QUILL of the SAUCY MONK

Frankly, I Am Good For About 20 Minutes...Maximum

2007-08-16T08:16:00.000-04:00

Here in Canada, Fido mobile phones have a big ad campaign right now promoting 7 hours of non-stop service on one battery.

Is this necessary? Really?

Listen, if you are talking non-stop with someone for 7 hours on a cell phone, you really need to go and find that person because either:

a) you are hopelessly and pathetically in love with them

and/or

b) they are about to commit suicide.

Either way, the phone call isn't helping.

THE SPAWN OF FAME

2007-01-23T09:22:00.000-05:00

Remember when you had to actually DO something to become famous? You know, win an Olympic sport, fly to the moon, or at the very least star on a goofy TV show about being marooned on an island with The Professor, The Skipper and two intemperate and annoying millionaires?

When did that all change exactly?

With everyone from Nicole Ritchie (who was adopted into fame) to Kevin Federline (who married into fame) to Paris Hilton (who found fame by videotaping herself having sex--huzzah!), it would appear you no longer need to actually do much of anything to get famous.
Well, now there is something even more scary.

The spawn of fame.

According to a study published in USA Today, a group of young adults were asked about their life goals, and low and behold, the results were not exactly of Marconian-stature (unless of course you think Marconi is the ingenious mind who invented the dish, marcaroni and cheese). In fact, the top two goals by far were "getting rich" and "being famous". Wait a second. Is it me or is BEING FAMOUS not so much a goal, as it is a consequence? And if so, why would you not answer BEING HEALTHY as a goal? How about saying BEING NOT DEAD?

The study also found that young folks are twice as likely to admire an entertainer than a political leader, but did you know that according to the Screen Actors Guild, only 5% of all actors make over $70,000 a year. Hell, that wouldn’t even pay for Paris Hilton’s annual supply of Strawberry Lip Smacker.

With the rise of celebrities who have gained notoriety by basically, um, being themselves(?), I think it sends a very confusing message to kids. After all, when your hero did nothing to earn your respect other than buy some expensive shoes with daddys credit card, what can you possibly emulate except a lack of perspective and a lifestyle well beyond your means. Well, and maybe a case of liver damage later in life.

I am not saying people should not dream. Hell, that is what Hollywood is based on. That is what life is all about. All I am saying is that fame should not be looked at as an end in itself.
After all, fame can be an empty, material byproduct that is as fleeting as it is irresistable. Choose your heroes wisely, and remember: fame does NOT necessarily mean success. Just ask John Wayne Bobbit, Tonya Harding or the dude who played The Professor about that (if you can remember who the hell that was).

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS IN HOLLYWOOD!

2006-12-23T09:45:00.000-05:00

'Twas the night before Christmas, when in Hollywoodland,
Not a celebrity was stirring, except Paris Hilton and gang.
Louis Vuitton bags were slung over shoulders with care,
In hopes that the paparazzi soon would be there.

Tom Cruise was nestled all snug in his bed,
While visions of Scientology danced in his head.
Madonna, Jolie and Pitt slept in a coma,
After adopting half of Malawi - next, they're taking Angola.

Yes, all of Tinseltown was finally quiet at last,
Even Tara Reid stayed home (but she was still drunk off her a**).
When, what to my wondering eyes should spring,
But a new psychological condition brewing.

At the Leicester University, psychologists say,
Celebrity Worship Syndrome is as real as Lance Bass is gay.
CWS, or Mad Icon Disease,
Explains why folks care if Britney wears panties.

It was confirming to read, to say at the least,
That this sickness from Hollywood was now a real disease.
So out on my keyboard I typed in commotion,
And hoped that somebody would be paying attention.

Put down your Hello! Drop the US Weekly!
Off Lohan! Off Duff! Off, Simpson and Ritchie!
To the rubbish you go! Its time the mighty fall!
Stop worshipping false idols with no talent at all!

And then, just as quick, I saw in an omen,
How boring it'd be if sober was Ms Lohan.
And if Paris Hilton were acting responsibly,
And what if Anna Nicole Smith wasn't just plain crazy?

And how about Nicole Ritchie's DUI,
And Rosie vs The Trump, not to mention that K-Fed guy?
As I drew in my head, all the stupidest people,
I realized I do kinda like seeing them come down a little.

Maybe thats why so many folks stargaze,
And read all that trash in the tabloids everyday.
Well, its Christmas and all, and I've got the sensation,
Nows not the time to rage against pretension.

So I turned off the computer, and went beddy-bye,
But I had one last outburst I just had to recite,
So I sat all-a-humble, as I finally typed my distilling:
Happy Christmas to all, even that bag Paris Hilton!

THE KING OF BAD LINES

2006-11-03T10:58:00.000-05:00

This past week Britain newspaper The Independent published what it considers some of the worst lines of dialogue ever played on the big screen. Now while I do agree their list includes some truly noxious repartee, I do think they are missing perhaps The King of Bad Lines.

Their worst (or best, depending how you look at it) line is from Rocky 4, in a scene where Sly Stallone mumbles his way threw the utterance ‘If I can change, and you can change, then we can all change’. Who wrote that script anyhow - a 6-year old with fingerpaints?

Other hits (or misses) include lines from Top Gun, Goldfinger and ofcourse, Jerry Maguire (You complete me). All relatively decent movies with unlikely stodgy lines.

But where are the truly so-bad-they’re-good lines that should top this list? You know, those cinematic masterstrokes starring the likes of Steven Seagal or Jean Claude Van Damme? Or what about the sinister showpieces of the so-called worst director of all time, Ed Wood? Surely, movies like Plan 9 From Outer Space deserve a mention.

In my opinion, the worst (but best) line of dialogue comes much later than the era of Ed Wood and the B-movie. Its actually from a 1990 dumper called Fire Birds.

In the film, Tommy Lee Jones stars as an Army drill instructor and the particular line of offense comes during his pep talk to a young, but cocky helicopter pilot (Nicolas Cage) describing what he expects of his protégé…

... a 1st class all-American hero with his heart & brain wired together cooking full tilt boogie for freedom & justice!

That baby is so bad, I want to get it printed on a t-shirt.

QUIT PICKING ON MARTY McFLY!

2006-10-26T18:42:00.000-04:00

Boy, Michael J. Fox is taking a lot of flak.

You would think a guy with Parkinsons Disease would be given a bit of grace now and again, but no, American conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh (possibly better known from the aptly-titled Al Franken book, Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot) is all over him like a pit bull on a poodle.

In case ya have not heard, the actor, best known for the Back To The Future movies, appears trembling in an ad to support Congressional candidates promoting funding for embryonic stem cell research (which, not coincidentally, could aid in finding a cure for Parkinsons, a disease that is characterized by uncontrolled muscle tremors).

Rush (Is A Big Fat Idiot) Limbaugh however, has suggested that Fox was either off his medication or acting before filming the spots to, presumably gain empathy from voters. Wow. Rush Limbaugh IS a big fat idiot.

Has Limbaugh even heard of Parkinsons? Is there some disgrace in trying to get funding for research that could cure a disease that has severely crippled your physical state and limited your career and future?

Well, let me say that although I doubt Fox was acting per se, if he was, who cares? Rush makes it seems like no one ever exaggerates for the sake of political gain. Hmm, if he wants to see some acting, maybe he ought to take a closer look at the gang of thespians involved in covering up that whole Mark Foley deal in Florida. Now there is some great acting!

Hey, even if Fox was exaggerating his disease, cut the guy some slack, Rushy. He has to deal with an incurable neurodegenerative disorder associated with the destruction of his brain cells. There is no treatment, and there is no forseeable cause. If Fox is acting, he is acting because, in essence, his life depends on it. I mean sure, its not as traumatic as getting down to the final boneless buffalo wing on the Applebee's Appetizer Sampler or say, getting addicted to pain medication but...oops, did I hit a sore spot, Limbaugh?

Let Fox say what he wants. Its a free country, and besides, consider it retribution for letting us trash Teen Wolf and putting him on the cover of Tiger Beat magazine all those years ago.

Last Week In Hollywood...

2006-10-24T15:15:00.000-04:00

Whatever Angelina Does, Madonna Does Better

Madonna has officially been granted an interim adoption of a Malawian baby, according to a statement from her publicist. Now, I dont wanna say she is copying Angelina Jolie or anything, but I hear she's re-naming the kid 'Maddonnax'.

Jessica Speak Real Good-Like For Herself Now

Jessica Simpson has taken over her own public relations duties. She tells Jane magazine, 'I am my own publicist right now. I've called all the heads of the tabloids. I don't want anyone else to speak for me now.' Great. I can't wait for all those misspelled and grammatically-incorrect press releases updating us on what her favorite color of dog is to start rolling in.

Disney Wants Lighter Children

The Disney Company will begin serving healthier and more nutritionally-balanced meals at their domestic theme parks. Apparently, they're realizing its not such a SMALL world after all, and its getting bigger by the cheeseburger. Be sure to let your child enjoy a mouthwatering 'Winnie The Pinto Bean-Lentil-and-Quinoa-Pooh Pita Wrap' next time they're strolling through Fantasyland.

Tara Reid Brags About Her Ugly Breasts

American Pie star Tara Reid is making a stink in the press about her botched breast implant and liposuction procedures. She says her implants made her self-conscious, especially when it came to being intimate. She says, 'Guys I was dating would be like, 'They look really bad. You know, you should really get them fixed.'...I mean, you definitely need to turn the lights off, that's for sure.' Nevermind the lights. I think I'd need earplugs. Hey Tara, too bad you can't lipo your ugly, unsightly insecurity so you dont have to date the type of idiots who are going to say to your face 'you should really get them fixed'.

For Once, A Good Day In Hollywood

2006-09-08T12:20:00.000-04:00

Hilton Arrested for Drunk Driving

Socialite Paris Hilton was arrested in the early hours of yesterday morning on suspicion of drunk driving. The aspiring pop star, 25, was pulled over by police in Hollywood around 12:30am, officer I. Isabella confirms.

Lohan Robbed at Heathrow Airport

Lindsay Lohan was left devastated in London yesterday afternoon when her beloved Hermes Birkin bag was stolen from her trolley at Heathrow Airport. Lohan's publicist Leslie Sloane has confirmed her client was robbed at the airport, adding, "She is begging for the return of the items. She doesn't care how she gets them back, she just wants her stuff back."

Thank you fate, you devil.

The Minds That Changed The World

2006-09-02T15:41:00.000-04:00

(ok, so its a long way to go for a punchline, so what?!)

Francis Bacon. Thomas Hobbes. Voltaire. Jean-Jacques Rousseau. Adam Smith. Isaac Newton. Bertrand Russell. Ayn Rand. Jean-Paul Sartre. Marshall McLuhan. Rene Descartes. Soren Kierkegaard. Franz Kafka. Sigmund Freud. Fyodor Dostoevsky. Emile Durkheim. Immanuel Kant. Thomas Jefferson. Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel. Friedrich Wilhelm Joseph vo Schelling. Johann Friedrich Herbart. Auguste Comte. John Stuart Mill. Charles Darwin. Karl Marx. Johann Frederick Engels. Friedrich Nietzsche. And Borje Salming.

The Fresh Prince of Mumbai

2006-08-22T21:16:00.000-04:00

Actor Will Smith (yes, the Fresh Prince himself) is heading to Bollywood!

Thats right, the star of such big-screen snoozers as Independence Day and the genius mind who penned such provocative rap songs as "Parents Just Don't Understand" and the inimitable "Nightmare on My Street", has made a deal with an Indian entertainment company to help co-produce two Bollywood blockbusters.

Pretty exciting really. The merging of Bollywood and Hollywood. The combining of eastern cultures and western cultures. The integration of tikka masala and Taco Bell. Okay, so you may have a colon blow-out afterwards, but hey, yum!

Its a pretty entrepreneurial endeavor for Will Smith actually. If ya don't know, Bollywood is the term given to the Indian film industry which, according to some reports, produces almost double the number of movies and sells a billion more tickets each year than Hollywood. And its no wonder - with over a BILLION folks roaming around India, you got a lot of potential ticket buyers. (Note to self: look up the web rights in India to www.movietickets.com).

But ofcourse, there is another side to the story. Since Hollywood is the land of copycats, you can bet Mr. Smith will soon have company. And ofcourse that company will bring no new ideas, and so they'll be forced to recycle the same old Hollywood crap.

Now, next time I decide to grab my Spider-Man backpack and hop a Greyhound ride to Vishakhapatnam I'm sure, when I get there, I'll find theatres playing such gems as SNAKES ON A RICKSHAW or BANGALORE NIGHTS: THE BALLAD OF RICKY BALVINDER.

Brace yourself Bollywood. Its not always pretty.

2006-08-20T20:52:00.000-04:00

Things I Really Should Do (But Probably Won't):

Sell my car.
Get a dog.
Get religious.
Sign up for Big Brothers.
Learn Japanese.
At least, try escargot.
Watch a Harry Potter movie.
Read a Harry Potter book.
Earn a lot of money.
Never lie again.
Stop drinking alcoholic beverages.
Laundry.
Buy an iPod.
Take more photos.
Plan a vacation.
Move.
Stop procrastinating.
Commit to a relationship.
Defrost my freezer.
Ask the cute girl in the office out.
Ask for a raise.
Tell someone at the phone company to "suck my cock".
Talk to children more.
Drink less coffee.
Throw that strange jar of "something" in the back of my fridge out.
Keep a journal.
Write my memoirs.
Take my car in for an oil change.
Watch less TV.
Stop talking, more action.
Set a deadline.
Meet my deadline.
Get a massage.
Exercise more.
Plant a tree.
Floss more often.
Get professional help.
Sit up straight.
Sleep in.
Buy more.
Buy less.
Be honest with myself.

Basically, figure my shit out.

Blockbusters On A Title!

2006-08-14T08:07:00.000-04:00

Well, its finally here - SNAKES ON A PLANE, the film even star Samuel L. Jackson refused to do unless producers kept its campy title.

Never before has a flick created such excitement just on a movie title alone, spawning not only a highly anticipated sure-fire summer hit, but countless amounts of internet buzz and plenty of coming spin-off products (mugs, calenders, even a 'Snakes on a Sudoku' puzzle book). And all this from a silly title.

It makes ya wonder, if SNAKES is a big hit, will this start a trend in Hollywood? Well, always trying to stay ahead of the curb, I am going to be ready if it does.

Heres a short list of movie screenplays I am working on at the moment. It is with one of these that I hope to pitch a big-time movie producer and launch my new career as a cocky, pretentious Hollywood player.

- SHOWDOWN AT THE SWISS CHALET (one man's confrontation with a quarter-chicken dinner).

- since superhero movies are big, how about... THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN SUPER-FANTASTIC-SPIDER-X-MAN? (how can it go wrong??)

- SPROUT (a docu-drama about the life of a single brussel sprout...I am thinking Michael Caine as the Brussel Sprout - he IS good, that Mr. Caine!).

- remember that Bill Cosby film from the eighties Leonard Part 6? Well, listen to this genius idea... LEONARD PART 7!

- 120 MINUTES (an intense, real-time thriller about 2 hours in the life of a well-timed alarm clock).

- THESAURUS: THE MOVIE (trust me on this one!).

Hey, laugh if ya want, but if SNAKES ON A PLANE got the green light based on its title, I don't think my ideas are far-fetched. Speaking of, I also have an idea for a Canadian-made thriller set in an airplane flying from Halifax to Toronto in which a bunch of crustaceans packed in the overhead break loose and create chaos pinching ankles of terrorized passengers at 30,000 feet.

I am thinking about calling it LOBSTERS ON A PLANE. Sounds like a lucky title to me.

Conversation Non-Starters: First Date

2006-08-09T20:53:00.000-04:00

"So....have you ever been in the shower and the soap slips out of your hand but you quickly catch it before it falls? Don't you just for a second feel really proud of yourself? Sometimes I go one step further and present myself with the 'Vidal Sassoon Loofah-Sponge Award' for Most Valuable Player. But not always...only sometimes...

...So...would you like some dessert?"

Real Or Fake: You Be The Judge

2006-08-04T21:45:00.000-04:00

Check it out here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egN7ev_g5Y8

Either way, its pretty funny.

Jack The Ripper Woulda Never Stood A Chance...

2006-07-29T16:29:00.000-04:00

Ok, things are getting fucking paranoid.

This week, a British company launched a product called Buddy On-Demand, a blow-up doll made in the image of a man that sits in the passenger seat of cars to ease the fears of women driving around at night by themselves.

Is there something I'm missing here? I know they drive on the wrong side of the road over there and all, but their cars DO have locks, don't they? And horns? And a gas pedal? What the hell is going on in the streets over there?

And exactly how is a blow up doll gonna help?

Ladies, nevermind your insecure feelings about driving around solo - how you gonna feel when you pull up to a dapper/single/rich Hugh Grant-type at that red light and he looks over to see you sitting seat-belted next to Boner The Blow Up Boy? I'd start wondering about how that's gonna leave you feeling.

Well, I suppose it is not a completely idiotic idea. According to the company behind Buddy On-Demand, 82% of women "feel safer" when there is someone else in the car with them at night.

Okay, I'm cool with that.

Any statistics on how much they'll "feel safer" when that would-be car-jacker/rapist/serial killer gets close enough to realize Buddy can be taken out with the ember of a burning cigarette?

A Few Random Favorites...

2006-07-20T13:23:00.000-04:00

William Holden rocks. So does Billy boy.
No, not Bush. The alien, you idiot.
Took this in Chicago. Dig that shit.
Fuck you Tim Horton.
This one is self-explanatory.
Stan Laurel. The King, and don't you forget it.

Darwin Just Shit In His Grave

2006-07-17T10:00:00.000-04:00

Well, its finally happened...

Someone has discovered a fish in a reservoir has human-like teeth. Which is kinda odd really, because there are plenty of folks I know, that don't have human-like teeth. So yes, there is now a fish with better orthodontics than many humans out there (I'm looking at you Britain).

Now I'm not saying this is kinda scary but there may be one of two things happening out there. Either we are poisoning our lakes, streams and all bodies of water so badly with toxins, pollutants and drugs that water-dwelling creatures are now taking on freaky attributes (a la the 3-eyed fish in the Simpsons and, dare I say it, a fish with human teeth)...

...or, somebody fucked a fish.

This is a frightening world indeed.

The Hulk Canadian-Style

2006-07-05T18:09:00.000-04:00

Well, word has it The Mummy star Brendan Fraser is among the top contenders to replace Eric Bana in the sequel to THE HULK. Yep, soon enough, we could be seeing an honorary Canadian (he was born in America, but has dual-citizenship apparently) playing one of Americas favourite comic book heroes.

Not a bad choice really. They could certainly do worse. But it got me thinking ya know, we ought to have more Canuck actors playing these superhero roles. And lets start with The Hulk. Perhaps the big studios should look to a couple other nice Canadian boys for the big green muscle freak.

Like why do we need this cheesy computer-generated Hulk anyhow? Big old ex-pro wrestler Bret Hart is just sitting around in Calgary waiting for a big movie to come along. Who knows if he can act, but then, who needs to act when they are playing The Hulk. Just break stuff. Besides, we have already uncomfortably witnessed him in skimpy little shorts. Paint the dude green and cut his hair. Voila! The Hulk.

Alright, maybe you need someone to play skinny Bruce Banner, the Hulks alter-ego. Okay, fine.

So what is that Joey Jeremiah kid from DeGrassi Jr High doing these days? Or how about his buddy Wheels? I have not seen Wheels in years. Give the kid a break. Besides with that tattered hair and those thick nerdy eyeglasses, he kinda looked like a science geek with anger management issues.

Actually, skip The Hulk. When are they going to make SHE-HULK? Its really only a matter of time, right? Might I suggest Canuck Pin-up Pamela Anderson for that part? She is a big name, and you know some dudes would step on small children to check her out all painted up green. Best of all, she already has a chest that looks like its been enhanced by Gamma Rays.

Pardon the pun but, would she not be a NATURAL fit for the role?

OK, It's No Garfield Sequel, But Still...

2006-06-30T19:18:00.000-04:00

Not going to the cottage this holiday weekend? Maybe you should take in a flick. But blow off the Man of Steel - Superman is going to be too busy. And skip Click - that's lame. So what should you see?

Well, if its playing in your town, commemorate this country that you love by taking in AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH if you haven't yet seen it. By far, the MOST IMPORTANT movie out this year (yes, and I've even seen Basic Instinct 2 so you know what I'm talking about), An Inconvenient Truth is an astounding and frightening look at the effects of global warming.

And its not just me who's saying its astounding. The Associated Press recently contacted over 100 of the top climate scientists in America and all who had seen the movie gave its spooky presumptions about the future of Earth a thumbs up for accuracy. Among these things are the prospect of a flooded New York City, disappearing ice sheets, more hurricanes, and basically a catastrophe-in-the-making.

And its not just a scare tactic (though we have reason enough to be scared). The film deals with the issue with tact, compassion and logic. It doesn't have any grandiose notions that it can change the world with its message. It knows it is only a warning call.

So, if you do go to a movie this weekend, I urge you to see this. As much as the call of Adam Sandler kicking someone who has been frozen in "pause" mode in the cherries can be deliciously inviting, do yourself a favor and check out An Inconvenient Truth. The funny thing is, both Click and A.I.T. have the same message - if we keep going through life the way we are now, it's going to be too late before we realize we can make a difference.

www.climatecrisis.net

Ain't Nothing Like The Bullshit, JFM!

2006-06-20T21:58:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure if they're trying to be condescending pricks, but doesn't the advertising agency behind the Just For Men Hair Dye TV commercials see the patronizing irony in using Marvin Gaye's Ain't Nothing Like the Real Thing as their jingle?

Fuck you, Just For Men. You're not cute.

Re-visiting The Dead Celebrity Fan Club

2006-06-16T19:43:00.000-04:00

While I was in LA recently, I came across an interesting ad in a local paper advertising nightly stays at the former apartment of late Doors singer, Jim Morrison.

Now, while I am not sure why anyone would pay to sleep in some dumpy, roach-infested pit furnished with dirty shag carpeting from the Seventies and beds infested with flesh-burrowing parasites passed on by so-called Doors Fans/Uncleanly-Hippie-Vermin, I am sure there is probably no shortage of ridiculum ready to shell out big bucks to break on through to the burn-out side.

After all, when it comes to dead celebrities, Jim Morrison has got to carry a heavy load.

Ever been to his gravesite at Pere Lachaise Cemetery in Paris? It was so popular with adulated fans desperately craving to pay tribute to their favorite singer (by loitering for endless weeks, smoking copious amounts of potent hydroponic skunkweed and scrawling LONG LIVE THE LIZARD KING on any other nearby tombstones), the cemetery fenced off his resting place. Now, I presume these Morrison fans are forced to smoke their weed in the same place local Parisiens relieve their bladders (which just happens to be any other place they feel like).

Note: Did you know 19th century composer Frederic Chopin is also buried at Pere Lachaise cemetery, and not a single knife-etched scrawling reading LONG LIVE RONDO IN E FLAT MAJOR, OPUS 16 on his tombstone?? Not to worry though. I fixed that small oversight.

So, what is it with these dead celebs that keeps us hanging on? Every year, the man with the hard hair on the nightly news tells us how old Elvis WOULD HAVE been on January 8th. Ok, so Elvis would have been 71. Fine. And he MIGHT HAVE run in the Boston Marathon if he spent more time jogging instead of popping sleeping pills and frying up peanut butter and banana sandwiches, but they dont talk about that every January 8th on the news, do they?

Marilyn Monroe is another dead celeb people just cant say goodbye to. Why not? Hollywood's greatest actress? A celebrated legend? Come on, if Marilyn had lived any longer, she would have ended up becoming Anna Nicole Smith with the fortitude of Bobby Brown at a complimentary all-you-can-snoot coke smorgasbord.

Listen, lets leave the dead alone. Next time you are in LA, do not waste your hard earned cash on an apartment even Jim Morrison would not have remembered if he were alive today. Spend it where its really needed. Like the legendary high-priced Beverly Hills Hotel. I hear that place couldn't even afford to supply Zsa Zsa Gabor with her very own personal toilet paper maitre d' last year.

Now thats what I call a tragedy.

Funny, They're My 2 Favorite Things...

2006-06-14T12:00:00.000-04:00

Good news:

In a study of more than 125,000 people, one cup of coffee a day cut the risk of alcoholic cirrhosis by 20%. Four cups a day reduced the risk by 80%.

Well, lucky for me, I drink 6 cups a day. I'm fully covered.

Think I'll celebrate by going out for a beer.

Summer Observation # 5

2006-06-11T15:37:00.000-04:00

I don't get these two-seater bicycles.

It don't seem fun to me.

One person gets to pedal, steer and generally be in control - and the other person gets to pedal and stare at someone's sweaty ass crack.

Nope, that don't seem fun to me at all.

I'm Not A Prick....It's A Medical Condition.

2006-06-07T09:55:00.000-04:00

So it now seems road rage can be diagnosed as a condition known as intermittent explosive disorder, or IED.

According to ABC News: "Road rage, especially if it's frequent enough, is probably a part of IED, which is much more prevalent than people thought," said Dr. Emil Coccaro of the University of Chicago.

IED. What a crock of shit. Everything’s got to be a “disorder” now, don’t it?

Can’t anyone just be a plain old asshole anymore?

Well worry not, young disordered pottymouth, apparently patients with intermittent explosive disorders respond to treatment with antidepressants such as tricyclic antidepressants and serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SRIs).

Ever get the idea the drug companies are making this shit up?

Now Playing At A Casino Near You

2006-06-05T16:45:00.000-04:00

According to the Los Angeles Times, there are a bunch of online entertainment betting sites popping up on Ye Ole Interweb. Because of that, it seems that the weekend box-office race is no longer just a measure of how well a movie opens, but it shows us just how freaking horny we are to practically bet on anything.

Apparently it works like this on the BetUs.com website: They set an estimated target for the earnings of an opening film and you bet against it. For example, for The Break-Up, lets say they set $30 million as its estimated take. Since the film came in at $38 million last weekend, anyone who bet that the take would be over $30 million would be a winner.

Well, unless you went and saw the movie that is. The real losers were those poor saps who shelled out their hard-earned green to make this unfunny moneygrab $38 million bucks.

Another sports betting site called World Sports Exchange has reported that betting on movies has jumped 26 percent over the last year. Wow. Who knew betting on films could be sooo (yawn) fun?

But why stop there? You can also bet on the nuptials of celebrity couples. Yep, so if you really believe in the true and beautiful union that is Hilary Duff and rock star Joel Madden, then I dont recommend you go to BetUs.com. They only give the young pair 15 to 1 odds (come on BetUs, you cannot put odds on love!!! Wait. Isn't that a Bon Jovi lyric? Well, it should be).

And then ofcourse online gaming has also had other such necessary bets like "will George Clooney run for president"? Or "who will be the next celebrity to admit to being illiterate"? Honestly, I wish I were making this up.

Now, with all of that in mind, let me ask you a question: does anyone just WATCH movies anymore?

...And Maybe You Can Hire Some Chimps To Type It

2006-05-27T17:34:00.000-04:00

Warren Zide, one of the producers of the American Pie and Final Destination movies, has decided to turn the keys of the Hollywood brain trust over to a bunch of frat boys.

See, his new big idea is to make a movie called Its Only College, and instead of paying a bunch of sweaty, balding basement-dwelling writers to come up with a fair-to-middling script, he has set up a website where anyone with a good old college story can submit a scene.

Well now - that should be good.

Why do I get the sense we will all find ourselves drinking in the enriching cinematic experience of beer-showering frathouse parties and - well, that's probably about it really. Well, who knows really? Maybe it will work. Hollywood does need to try some new things, but still I am a bit skeptical on this one.

If I may use a short analogy here - whenever my Dad had a problem with the old family clunker he didn't hand me the keys - it was off to a mechanic for fixin...

Besides, if MY personal college experience is any indication of what is to come, the big screen will soon see a 90 minute thriller that includes such jaw-dropping scenes as some guy eating Ramen noodles in his underwear sitting on a 3-legged couch held up with a stack of phone books, who constantly borrows money from his parents for rent and most embarrassingly, unceasingly strikes out with the ladies on a daily basis.

Wow. I cant wait.

Conversation Non-Starter #18

2006-05-24T20:25:00.000-04:00

Conversation non-starter for an audience with the Queen of England:

"Hey Liz, have ya noticed how video games used to be about saving people? Now, video games are all about killing people. What's the deal with that?"

Oh, To Be A One Hit Wonder...

2006-05-17T08:46:00.000-04:00

Okay, so apparently the big Hollywood studio New Line has money to flush down the toilet because they've agreed to pay comic-actor Chris Tucker 25 million bucks to star in Rush Hour 3, which really is, from a critical standpoint at least, just like flushing your money down the toilet (Hell, if you're gonna toss money at Tucker to remake Rush Hour, why not just throw piles of dough at Dreyfuss to get off his wrinkley ol' ass for "Yet Another Stakeout"? Just a ponderance).

This weighty paycheque will make Tucker - the former star of such films as...well...um...Rush Hour and Rush Hour 2 - the highest paid actor in Hollywood.

Wow. Not bad for a dude who we have not seen since...um, did I mention Rush Hour 2?

Okay, granted Rush Hour 2 was a HUGE box office hit, and for that, sure, Tucker deserves a bit of a boost on his box office take and hell, perhaps throw him a free celebratory noogie on his co-star Jackie Chan...but 25 million bones?!!? What are they asking him to do in this film - cut off his nipples with a rusty butterknife?? Jump through a hoop of fire into a hot tub full of boiling racoon feces?? I mean, we ARE just talking about an acting job here, right? I mean, he's just being asked to make pretend for a couple months, right?

Well, I guess you can't fault Tucker. Hell, if I could get 25 million to type this childish blog out everyday I would take it. I would never actually say it was warranted, but fuck ya, I'd take it. But next time someone tells me that a big old Hollywood film is a flop because it didn't break the 100 million dollar mark...well, I'm just going to have to shrug off how ridiculous that sounds, go home and stick another pin in my Chris Tucker doll.

...and then, I'll get back to eating my macaroni and cheese. Good times.

Another Great Canadian Moment

2006-05-12T19:11:00.000-04:00

Ever just sit down and shove an entire one of these into your face?

Ya, me too.

Thank you McCain, for another great Canadian moment.

Dress Codes For The Culturally Depraved

2006-05-10T21:49:00.000-04:00

Ya know, I work right by the Hockey Hall of Fame and it never ceases to amaze me how many people go there wearing big, gaudy hockey jerseys of their favorite hockey team.

I don't get that.
I mean, its just a hockey museum, right? No one's actually going there to play a pick up game of shinney, are they?

Why would you wear a costume of your favorite hockey player to a museum? I mean, you don't see people strolling around the Musée du Louvre in Paris dressed up as Mona Lisa.

Then again, I get the feeling these aren't the same people that you'd find at the Musée du Louvre...period. Call it a hunch.

....and now for a commercial break.

2006-05-09T08:41:00.000-04:00

George Carlin's newest album Life is Worth Losing is finally out.

With such enlightening tracks as Autoerotic Asphyxia and The All-Suicide TV Channel, it is worth gaining.

He is one funny prick.

Time For A Coffee Break...

2006-05-03T08:03:00.000-04:00

There's nothing more deflating than going into a Tim Horton's and ordering a double-double only to have the counterperson stare back at you blankly.

For those who don't know, Tim Horton's is an American-owned, but Canadian mass-marketed convenient food chain that has overrun the Great White North like...well, like the plague....or....apathy. Whichever.

In Canada, there is 1 Tim Horton's shop for every 3 Canadians. I'm not making that up.

In fact, if you think there are a lot of Starbuck's coffee houses in America, well in Canada, every Starbuck's shop must be within a block of at least two Tim Horton's. That's a law I think.

Oh, and one last note. Wherever there is a Tim Horton's...there is a dude begging for change not far away.

The Most Important Story You Will Ever Read!

2006-04-21T10:24:00.000-04:00

Digging through an old box of detritus, I came across an old exercise book from my years toiled in grade school (I'm guessing about Grade 4 or 5). Within it was scrawled a fascinating tale written by yours truly. I would like to re-publish this little seen masterpiece on my blog and let you look into the very early works of Saucy Monk (pay attention - many world leaders could learn something from this).

(I have left spelling errors, grammar, etc in its original glory. Enjoy -- SM).

The New Space Warriors
(by Li'l Saucy Monk)

One space weekend the Rocket nine-six-six was flying around and an enimy scout was following us. We put on reverse, and shot his thrusters as he was turning away to a planet. We thought something was interesting about it so we went over to the planet and landed. We found out there was life and there was also our enimes.

"My name is John Kracker and my partner is Lt. Mike Stuppy. I am captain. We fight Justice, in other words we're good hit men.

This planet had caves only, to live in. Mike and me stayed close to the places where the caves were not.
"Captain." Mike said "We have are lasers and our force field but we don't know what they have."
"Don't fret." I said "We will get out in a second."
Mike said "Sir, I don't think we're in anything."
"I know" I said
"Well then why..."
"Shhh, I here something." At that moment ten scouts walked out of a cave with stun guns.
"Hide." I said. All of a sudden we were surrounded.
"Sir, we can't play chess now!" Mike said
"Well then lets play checkers." I said.

They stunned us down and took us away. When we woke up we found out we were gonna be killed and fed to a half man half lizard creature. An hour later we we're thrown into a ring where creatures stood with lazers set on high. We didn't have our lazers but we still had our force field units. They shot but we had our forcefields on. We walked up to these creatures and attacked them. I hit one and I sware he went at least 5 yards.

When the fight was over we talked to the leader "Look, we have peace where we come from and it's nice there." I said.
I don't care! the leader said
"Look, if peace isn't..."
"Shut up!" The leader said
"I'll make a deal with you, make peace and if you don't like it you can kill us!" said I
"It's a deal."
About a week later...
"Earthman," the leader said "Your smart and we will keep peace, and you may go home."
"Thank you." I said
Mike said "As long as you have peace, you will be content."

THE END

Just Another Manic Breakfast...

2006-04-18T09:22:00.000-04:00

Some thoughts that just popped into my head over my morning bowl of Mescaline Flakes (it really is the most important meal of the day, ya know):

- I can't the tell the difference between a mandarin and a tangerine. I'm sure that's got to be the biggest scam in citrus.

- I just realized I'm a complete mess until I've had my first cup of coffee in the morning. That, or until I can relocate my crack pipe anyhow.

- Ya know, a couple of years ago I lost $5. If I don't find it pretty soon - that's it, I'm gonna quit looking.

- Geez, I wonder what ever happened to the Partland Brothers.

- If you can be green with envy, and when you're blue it means you're sad, what the hell is orange? Whatever it is, I think I feel orange today.

- Do I smell toast?

The Title Of This Blog Is 'Me On A Tirade'

2006-04-13T16:43:00.000-04:00

By now, maybe you have heard about Samuel L. Jacksons new movie Snakes On A Plane.

The upcoming summer release has already found a huge cult following on the internet solely because of its title. Fan-produced trailers scour the internet. Hollywood screenwriter Josh Friedman has deemed it the perfect title. And even Sam Jackson himself admitted that it was the only reason he took the job.

I am not kidding.

When studio executives attempted to change the title to Pacific Air Flight 121 (which admittedly, is actually much worse) there was outrage on the web, forcing the suits to switch it back.

Pretty wild, eh?

At least with that title, I will not have to waste any time telling you what the movie is about, but come on - if the title is any sign of the film itself, be sure to wear your dunce cap to the theatre because there is a good chance you will actually walk out dumber than you were walking in.

Ya know, it kinda made me wonder what other famous movies might have been better served by a similarly-plot-direct title as Snakes On A Plane. Who knows right? Would King Kong have been better served if it were called Monkey On A Building?

What about Brokeback Mountain? Kind of a confusing title, right? 2 Men On A Fishing Trip (But Not Really Fishing) seems to make a little more sense to me.

And ofcourse the new animated family flick The Wild seems a bit too ambiguous to me. Would it not be clearer if it were just called Capitalizing On The Success Of Madagascar?

Just a thought.

This Stone Won't Go Unturned

2006-04-06T21:59:00.000-04:00

Hey! Have ya heard? Sharon Stone has revealed she wants to make a third Basic Instinct movie, and she wants to direct it.

WOW. Talk about an eternal optimist.

Sharon Stone is like Hollywood's answer to the Black Knight from 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail', isn't she?
"What?! Basic Instinct 2 was a big bomb at the box office?! Ahhhh, just a flesh wound!"

Ya know, ever since she showed us "her stuff" in Basic Instink back in 1992, Sharon Stone has had more misses than Marty Feldman tossing free-throws from centre-court after downing an entire bottle of Nyquil.

Just think - Sliver, Diabolique, Catwoman....and these are her most recognizable films!

Well, I must say, in spite of this, I admire Sharon Stone's tenacity (or is it blind ignorance). After all, it takes a lot of mettle to drop a huge stinker on Hollywood and then immediately follow it up by announcing on plans to drop another. Hey, even my father usually changes the subject after he drops a bomb at the dinner table.

So you go Miss Stone, direct your Basic Instinct 3 and show us what you got.
Heaven knows, you've shown us everything else you got already.

Conan The Grumpy Old Man

2006-03-31T17:06:00.000-05:00

Everyone seems to be making a big deal that Warner Brothers is reviving the Superman franchise, but did you know that the movie studio is taking a stab at reviving the Conan The Barbarian franchise? Yes, that's right cinephiles - Conan will be back! Ah yes, but it begs the question, doesn't it? Will California Governor Arnie Schwarzenegger return to the role that made him famous back in 1982?!?!

Well, some insiders are saying its not totally out of the question. In fact, after he finishes off his term as governor, he could return to, and I use this word loosely...acting. But to be honest, who want want to see Arnold wielding a sword in nothing but a lose-fitting loin cloth. I mean, the dude is almost 60! It's supposed to be Conan the Barbarian, not Conan the Sexagenerian, that's all I'm saying.

Well, just in case Warner Brothers does cast the Governator in the classic role, and they're having some trouble finding potential names for the series of future action flicks, I've got a couple ideas of what they could go with.

How about Conan the Pensionable?! Or maybe Conan: Master of Canasta. Here's a potential nail-biter - Conan Takes A Nap.

Nah, I got it...Conan and the Quest for Geritol...and you could hire Red Buttons as 'the Pharmacist'. Genius.

There you go Warner Brothers.
You don't have to thank me.

How About Naming It Bullshit...And You Could Sell, Y'know...Bullshit.

2006-03-28T17:32:00.000-05:00

Ok, I get it. The specialty fast food joint is all the rage. I don't blame people for buying into these so-called restaurants. I mean, hey, I am as sick of overcooked burgers and shitty chinese food as the rest of world.

But like most fads, they are getting a bit ridiculous.

The formula is simple:

Pick your poison. Say potatoes.
Give your restaurant a hip one word name.
Something like "Spud".

And now price out your gourmet potato menu:

Gourmet Baked Potato with soft organic baby chives and sour cream made from alfalfa-fed goat's milk - $8.00

Turst me, you'll make a killing.

How do I know this? Because restaurants of the like have been sprouting up all over the place. Here in Toronto, one of the latest hits of the urban food court is called Lettuce where they sell bowls of, yes, lettuce for around $9.00. Seems a bit pricey for a salad maybe, but hey, you can always wear the bucket on your head and play "army man" when yer done.

Now, I just noticed a brand new place is about to spring up.

The Cereal Bar.

That's right. Nothing but cereal. All the time.

What?!?! Getting tired right before the big merger meeting Mr. Business Executive Man?!!?! Why not race down to the Cereal Bar for a quick bowl of Lucky Charms to get your blood sugar up. Sure, it may cost ya 7 bucks a bowl, but come on, I ask you, can you really put a price on something that is "magically delicious"?

Taking A Powder...

2006-03-24T19:52:00.000-05:00

Be back soon when I figure out the meaning of life.

Well, that or as soon as I finish my sandwich.

Check back soon.

Entertainment Minute

2006-03-15T07:36:00.000-05:00

Grammy-winning Kanye West will soon star in an innovative feature film inspired by his music, proving once again, we just can't help putting perfectly good actors out of work for rappers-turned-sub-par thespians desperate for the world's attention.

Failure To Launch is the number 1 movie at the box office this weekend failing to instill me with confidence that the general public has any grasp of quality, intelligence or good taste.

Paris Hilton is still a pain in the ass. Oh ya, and also, what has she got to do with entertainment again? Does she even have a job? Enough on that.

Movie theater owners are considering jamming cell phone reception in an attempt to stop annoying conversations during films. For this added service, admission prices will be raised to a minimal $34. But just think. No phone calls! Ofcourse, this still won't stop the annoying pimply fuckers behind you from kicking your seat and talking throughout the film. And ofcourse you will still unknowingly leave the theatre with a big oil stain on your pants from the topping-soaked-through bag of shitcorn.

Hooray for Hollywood.

Stop the Fucking Presses...

2006-03-10T11:26:00.000-05:00

I just read on the scrolling newticker of some 24 news television channel this piece of heavily-topical and impertinant information:

"The Shaggy Dog star Tim Allen admits he's actually a cat person".

Wow.

If this is really considered a "newsworthy" item of information important enough to be updated along the news update ticker, then, please...someone....gouge my eyes out right now. I won't need them anymore.

Where No Man Has Golfed Before...

2006-03-04T08:04:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I just read this pile of retarded shit:

If a Canadian golf-equipment company gets its way, a Russian cosmonaut will crush the longest-drive record later this year — by three billion kilometres or so.
Plans are in the works to have the cosmonaut blast a special golf ball into space from the International Space Station with a 6-iron made by Element 21 Golf Co.

Nothing quite shows how ridiculous we've become as an upright-walking species quite like flying to the moon to hit a basket of golf balls.

What the hell is goin' on in space exploration anyhow? Isn't there enuff foreign space junk floating around without adding in a few golf-balls just so some golf-equipment company can market themselves with a cute pun like "our balls fly out of this world"?

Look, if we've really got nothing better to do in space than spend billions to send Yuri Five-Iron to the moon for a little pitch-n-putt, how about we scrap the whole idea and - oh, I don't know - feed, clothe and home the few million homeless down here on Earth?

Ah, but then, what would the clever advertising agency come up with when they are paid thousands for the golf-equipment company?

Life is such a conundrum...

I Think I Lived With A Jackpot Like This Once

2006-02-21T19:56:00.000-05:00

A stirring news item worth checking out:

MOSS BLUFF, Fla. - A man accused of fatally beating his roommate with a sledgehammer and a claw hammer because there was no toilet paper in their home has been arrested.

Franklin Paul Crow, 56, was charged Monday with homicide in the death of Kenneth Matthews, 58...Crow told investigators that the men were fighting about the toilet paper over the weekend when Matthews pulled out a rifle. Crow said he then began beating Matthews with the sledgehammer and claw hammer, according to an affidavit.

Boys, boys, boys... ...settle down...

It's only asswipe.

Nothing to beat a guy to death with a claw hammer over. Surely that kind of behavior should be reserved for rush hour traffic.

Wouldn't a simple Post-It Note do the trick to remind the ol' roomate to pick up some T.P.? Worked for me in college:

"Dearest Roomate, if you might find a moment to hoist yourself up off the sofa and pull the change that has affixed itself to the perspiration on your giant lard-filled ass cheek, perhaps you can take a 5 minute trip to the corner store and engage in your turn of buying toilet paper...if not, I feel I will have liberty to wipe my muddy crack with your favorite toothbrush. Many thanks, Your Faithful Roomie."

Like I said...it seemed to work for me in college.

But then, with this guy at the ripe, mature old age of 56, I'm thinking maybe Mr. Crow might have some deeper problems other than just needing a good wipe of the old Charmin.

To Vainly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before...

2006-02-19T11:20:00.000-05:00

Did you know that NASA is looking for aliens?

Okay, maybe that sounds like a naive comment, but I never really gave it a lot of thought before. Apparently, it's really going on though.

According to Reuters, Margaret Turnbull of the Carnegie Institution of Washington released her "top 10" list of potential stars to target for NASA's Terrestrial Planet Finder, a system of two orbiting observatories scheduled for launch by 2020 to look for extraterrestrial life.

Now, I don't know about you but...is this really worth the hassle?

First off, it's not like we're looking on the moon or Mars or anywhere within conceivable grasp. One of the planets is 18 Sco in the Scorpio constellation. Ya know where that is? No? Me neither, but I'm guessing Fodor's hasn't published a hitchhiker's guidebook for it.

Second, I can't begin to imagine how much money it is costing for us to point a bunch of high-priced telescopes into space hoping to see Marvin the Martian looking back under his Roman helmet.

What if we did see that anyhow? Then what? Remember that scene in the movie Signs when Mel Gibson looks under the door using the reflection of a knife to see what was on the other side? Ya, well...that's what.

Now, do i believe there may be extraterrestrial life? Sure. Why not? There's got to be some cats out there a bit more centred than our species of cartoon-rioting, Paris Hilton-worshipping dipshits. Do I really wanna meet em? No. Know why you should carry a bell with ya into the woods to keep the bears away? Because they don't wanna meet you either.

See, I'm fine thinking there could be alien life out there. Great. You keep 18 Sco in the Scorpio constellation. You can have it, and whatever green-skinned alien chicks you got on the fly there are all yours too. Fuck Captain Kirk. I'm quite happy with the babes down here.

As far as I'm concerned, the last thing I really need is to satisfy my craving to crawl into the sideshow tent to see the slimy alien with the big eyes and the opaque skin only to find the price of admission was a giant anal probe shoved up my stinker.

"Spreading" the Word of Playboy...

2006-02-11T10:12:00.000-05:00

Apparently, an attempt to launch an Indonesian version of Playboy magazine is causing protests from Muslims in Jakarta.

Not really surprising. After all, isn't the world on the verge of collapse because of some Danish idiot's mediocre comic-strip? Hey, Beetle Bailey never caused this much shit - that's all I'm saying.

What does kinda shock me is that somebody had the audacity to publish Playboy in the world's most populous Muslim nation to begin with. I mean, come on, who's honestly gonna buy a mag with a centerfold spread featuring a woman raising her Burka to show a little toe?

(that was a joke - please don't sanction my country).

To be honest, the businessman behind this idea has said he never intended to show nudity in the first place. So I'm thinking...why are you naming the magazine Playboy then, Hef? Isn't that a bit of false advertising? That's like publishing a magazine called Barely 18 and publishing photos of girls who are...you know, Way Over 18.

Wait. Um, maybe that's not such a good example.

Anyhow, my point...well, I'm not sure. Only that in some regards I understand and empathize with the Muslim conservative view that...hmm, ya know, maybe some of the western world's contributions to the world aren't exactly fitting for every culture around the world....like say...McDonald's and movies starring Rob Schneider.

Would I expect Deuce Bigalow to be accessible to some bushman from the Kalahari desert? Hell, I hardly understand that piece of cinematic shite. So too, I don't really expect conservative Muslims, ingrained in the belief of their religion and principles, to accept and admire the beauty of the exhibitionist display of a beautiful woman's you know...hooters. See, I like to look at it in a rather pragmatic, if not selfish manner...

...more for me then.

I certainly don't condone any sort of violence (as we have seen in the Danish cartoon protests) but surely, if you don't want Playboy in your neighborhood, say so. It's your right as much as it is the right of every citizen to make efforts to publish Playboy if they want to. Just please, don't bomb the Playboy mansion. Not before I make a visit first anyway. I have dreams you know...

Oh, by the way, there is another option. Just don't buy the magazine. You know, it's a little like religion. Just because Christianity may exist in your nation, it don't mean you gotta go to the church.

Hell knows I don't .

Worked For the Corleones

2006-02-08T23:54:00.000-05:00

Anyone else ever notice that Dr Phil is like the Godfather in a cheesy porn-star moustache. All give, give, give, but don't fool yourself. He's coming to get his.

Give The Groundhog The Day Off

2006-02-02T08:16:00.000-05:00

I'm just curious...

When are we going to finally grow up and leave this ridiculous groundhog-sees-his-shadow shit behind?

'If the groundhog sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of winter'. Are you fucking kidding me?

On the news this morning, I even heard this one very insane man in a top hat say that the groundhog actually "whispers to him whether he sees his shadow or not". Ya great. Let's just hope that groundhog doesn't suddenly become embittered with his caged surroundings and whisper to this dolt-in-a-hat to go on a sawed-off shotgun rampage in the name of groundhog freedom.

Okay, it's all so fun. Let's put on some period costumes, pull a rat out of a hole and pronounce whether winter is staying or going. Isn't there some real work we could be doing right now? I know my schedule is a bit tight to be standing around taking orders from some fucking rodent.

Ya know...I stopped believing in the Easter Bunny a loooong time ago too.

Celebrity Look-a-likes

2006-02-01T15:46:00.000-05:00

Somebody just told me I look like the love child of Bill Maher and David Caruso.

Why do people have to be so mean?

AWOL (and how!)

2006-01-31T07:06:00.000-05:00

Sorry kids,

Monk needs a couple of days away.

the insanity is killing me.

check back soon.

A Small Bite From Miscellania

2006-01-28T14:40:00.000-05:00

Pardon the brief interlude...I fell asleep watching a re-run of Everybody Loves Raymond and just woke up...

I'll write more, but I need to have an Extra-Jumbo java first. In the meantime, here's 4 Bites off the top of my head:

TV talk show hosts always sit to the left of their guests.

Is the added smell of urine really enough evidence to determine if that dirty homeless guy having a heated conversation to no one is really crazy?

Who is the stupid fuck who stole the hole out of my donut. I want 10% of my money back.

Are you a male with red hair. Get ready. You'll be balding in no time.

Not Even Good Enuff For The Birdcage...

2006-01-22T16:45:00.000-05:00

So, tomorrow ol' Canada has an election...

...and today, the front cover of the Toronto Sun reads "218 Reasons Not To Vote For The Liberals".

I just love it when the media is so objective and free of bias.

In reality, I'd really just like someone to publish "218 Reasons To Vote For Any of the Parties". I can think of enough reasons "not to" on my own.

How To Smuggle Drugs (A Saucy Tip)

2006-01-19T21:03:00.000-05:00

I finally got a foolproof way to smuggle drugs through airport security and onto airplanes.

I bought this small hollow container that looks just like a 'AA' battery.
It's perfect to hide drugs in.

All you gotta do is, first, put the drugs in it.

Then, screw on the lid.

Then I place the "battery" in my electric toothbrush.

And then I hide the toothbrush in my ass.

This has been another useless tip courtesy of the Saucy Monk.

Another Reason To Kill Your Television

2006-01-18T20:48:00.000-05:00

A study by an Italian sexologist has found that couples who have a TV set in their bedroom have sex half as often as those who don't.

Is this really shocking to anyone? Ofcourse TV cuts into people's sex lives. TV isn't there to provide you with anything - well, except for a fat ass, softened vision and whole lot of spent time. How is it that anyone would expect TV to do anything but cut into people's sex lives? That's like holding a study to see if "having a gorgeous, sex-starved naked chick in your bedroom leads to more sex".

Um, ya......even with the big-screen TV.

The study also found certain programmes are far more likely to impede passion than others. Well, no kidding.

Ya know, for some reason, a half hour of According To Jim just doesn't provide me with the stimulation to support an adequate chubby.

Go figure.

The '70's - Episode 1: The Zot

2006-01-16T17:43:00.000-05:00

When I was but-a-wee-lad, we spent a lot of time hanging around old hockey arenas while my oldest brother, who was 4 years older, would enjoy the sport.

Often, to pass the time, me and my other brother would gather old cigarette packs (for some reason, not in short supply at local hockey rinks in the ‘70s).

Somehow, we discovered (or were taught by a generation of enthusiastic discoverers before us) that if you took the cigarette paper inside the packs, peeled off the foil part of the paper, and then chewed up the papery section, it became a very sticky ball of goo.

With that, the Zot was created. And you would challenge each other to toss your zot up to the ceiling, intending for it to firmly adhere there.

It was really an exercise in farming, because the whole purpose of the exercise was to plant your zot, and monitor how your zot was doing (if it was still there) each time you returned to the hockey rink. Surprisingly, it was a common activity, as ceilings of hockey arenas in the '70's (as I recall) were plastered with zots.

I can’t say for sure, but it’s highly unlikely this is a practice you’ll ever catch kids participating in nowadays. Where have all the good times gone?

I Woke Up With 5 Things On My Mind

2006-01-11T08:36:00.000-05:00

Ya know what you never hear about anymore? Glasnost. What's the deal?

*

There are claims that Guantanamo Bay detainee Omar Khadr was used as a "human mop" to clean up urine. Ya gotta hand it to the U.S. military - they're resourceful.

*

Dear CTV, we all get it - Rex Goudie has a CD out. Now piss off.

*

Remember that father on that TV show Gimme A Break? What the fuck was his problem?

*

Ever actually tried a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich? Elvis was a sick fucker.

I'll Have The Doughless Pizza Please...

2006-01-10T12:31:00.000-05:00

Last night, I was in a pub where the menu featured “boneless chicken wings”.

That is just plain horrifying.

Yo Backslider! Miracles For Sale! Real Cheap!

2006-01-08T14:43:00.000-05:00

This morning I watched a TV show in which evangelist Ernest Angley was "creating miracles" by curing people of their illnesses simply by slapping them in the head.

Now, while I agree many-a-folk need a good slap in the head, I really can't say I'm buying it, Ernie.

Sure, sure - maybe you fooled the ol' black lady into walking without her walker for a few steps. And maybe the fat lady with the glandular problem and the enlarged heart will cut back on the curly fries now that you popped her across the ears, but come on Big E, admit it, you're just punching people out in the name of God.

Okay, so surprise! I am one cynical monkey, but still, I just don't think you should trust someone to save your soul when they feel the need to hide their own insecurity in the form of a really crap wig.

Just seems like a rule to live by to me.

Besides, if you can cure blindness Ern, surely, you can rub your greasy palms over your own wrinkley bean and sprout a thick mane in the name of the Lord, can't ya? Come on, Big E, old pal, you'd get a few more points on my dartboard if you could show us that a man who can defeat death in the meek and defenseless can atleast also admit he's as bald as a baboon's puckery blue ass.

But then again, maybe the Almighty only has the healing powers to reverse blindness, deafness and incurable human disease. As it turns out, maybe God's just not so good with male pattern baldness.

Well, I suppose I shouldn't be shocked. It's a bit of a mystery to me too.

Drawing Blanks

2006-01-06T15:43:00.000-05:00

Ok, nothing is inspiring me today.

Instead, let me just post this photo of the Six Flags guy. He really pisses me off.

Whenever these annoying ads come on TV and I see this 20-something git-in-an-old-dude-costume dancing around like some Timberlake jacked up on Sudafeds to that shit Vengaboys tune, I just wanna walk up, tear off his bald-head wig and kick him straight in the nuts.

"It's playtime, bitch!"

Just Cause They're Mammals Don't Make It Right

2006-01-04T15:37:00.000-05:00

Well, its a mere four days into 2006 and I've already stumbled upon a loaded buffet of useless information and ridiculous news to pass on. In case you missed this particular item, please feel free to peruse it and hope you never find yourself becoming so disturbingly desperate as Ms. Tendler:

JERUSALEM (AP) - In a modest ceremony at Dolphin Reef in the southern Israeli port of Eilat, Sharon Tendler, a 41-year-old British citizen, apparently became the world's first person to "marry" a dolphin. Dressed in a white dress, a veil and pink flowers in her hair, Tendler got down on one knee on the dock and gave Cindy a kiss. And a piece of herring.

"It's not a perverted thing. I do love this dolphin. He's the love of my life," she said Saturday, upon her return to London.

Will someone please just give this woman a jolly-good ol' rogering already...

My 5 Weird Habits (That May Or May Not Be True)

2006-01-02T15:51:00.000-05:00

Well, well, well, lovely Laila (http://lailachris.blogspot.com/) has tagged me. She should've known better. Still, she's kinda cute so I will appease here with my 5 Weird Habits (Saucy style):

5) I pluck my nose hairs out with tweezers while watching old re-runs of "Bonanza". Something about Hoss just makes me want to feel that slight sadomasochistic sting in my nostril.

4) Anytime I hear the singing voice of Carol Channing, I take my pants down.

3) I cannot eat apples with the peel on them so I completely peel my apples before I eat them. Then, I take the peelings, stuff them into an old frozen turkey carcass I keep in my freezer and when it gets full of apple peelings I take it to the park, shove a firecracker into the turkey's ass and blow the motherfucker up. Pretty cool, eh?

2) Ya know how some people talk in their sleep? Well, I yodel.

1) After I urinate, I don't leave the toilet seat up like many men -- I raise and lower it three times, spin around twice while tugging my left ear lobe with my right hand. Then, I say the Lord's Prayer and exit the washroom walking backwards.

My New Year's Resolutions

2006-01-01T11:08:00.000-05:00

I will grow my hair like Limahl. Don't know it? Look it up on Google.

I will start jogging. Oops, I meant start wearing jogging pants.

I will eat less chemically-enabled processed genetically-altered pesticide-laden organic sugar snap peas. Love them sugar snap peas.

I will wear a mask in public. Preferably Batman.

I will be honest with people. Tell them how fucking annoying they are, more often.

I will cut out all monocalcium phosphates. They turn your privates blue.

I will try to avoid death.

Also, avoid the mall (same difference).

I will try to somehow avoid hearing anything sung by Ashlee or Jessica Simpson.

I will NOT try to somehow avoid seeing Jessica Simpson naked if the opportunity arises, however.

No more Sudoku. Unless it's stir-fried and comes on a bed of pork-fried rice.

All quiet on the western front.

At some point, I will catch up on the news. What the hell is this "gaza strip" I keep hearing about anyhow? Ah, nevermind. What's Paris Hilton wearing?

Set the world record for largest cinnamon roll.

Set the world record for largest cinnamon roll consumed by one person.

No more sneezing.

I will attempt 20 push ups a day. One for each beer.

I will learn to speak mandarin chinese for my upcoming trip to Germany.

I will try to meet, and marry former "Wonder Woman" actress Lynda Carter, then shamefully, get caught cheating with former "Bionic Woman" star Lindsay Wagner and suffer a tragic and bitter divorce. Eventually impregnate one of the former stars of "Facts of Life". Hopefully Tootie.

Be kind...rewind.

Saucy Monk Delivers The Goods (Despite Santa)

2005-12-23T09:46:00.000-05:00

The Monk is taking a vacation until after the 25th. Apparently, something happens that day.

Oh ya, people exchange material items in exchange for goodwill and the spirit of a day off from work. Hallelulah! Amen!

In any event, happy holidays.

Show Me The Money, Santa

2005-12-21T07:47:00.000-05:00

Oh gee.

I just received a Christmas card.

That’s nice.

Wait a second.

Whats this?

It says here that “in the spirit of the season, we have made a contribution on your behalf to our favorite local charity”.

What?!

Ah, this is horseshit.

Quick Question For Ya

2005-12-19T11:19:00.000-05:00

I had a dream last night that I was really hammered. Like drunk off my arse.

I woke up this morning with a killer headache and feel downright shitty.

By rules of deduction, can it be possible I have a hangover?

Hollywood Is Hell: Part One

2005-12-16T08:13:00.000-05:00

Apparently, actor Adrien Brody was asked on Access Hollywood, "So, did you kiss King Kong like you kissed Halle (at the Oscars)?".

Its times like these I question hope for the future.

Can't we take the noxious weasels who encourage these shit-shows and have them sent off to some remote Siberian stinkhole where they are forced to entertain eachother by dancing ancient Russian jigs and playing checkers with frozen cow shit, you know, so the rest of us can move on with our lives?

Just once, I would love to have heard Adrien Brody give an honest reply, something like, "Hey fuckballs, did you conjure up that incredibly insightful and audacious query all by yourself, or did the pink-trousered twat who glued your hair together help you?"

2005-12-15T08:20:00.000-05:00

You know I'm getting sick of seeing these cheesy bumper stickers that read "I'd rather...".
You know the ones:

I'd rather be golfing.
I'd rather be hunting.
I'd rather be camping.
I'd rather be boating.
I'd rather be fishing.

Or the extremely clever...

I'd rather be driving.

Ya? Well I'd rather be jerking off. Get the fuck outta my way you slow-driving fucker. I'd rather be passing you and getting on with my life.

Saucy Monk Finally Shows His Face

2005-12-13T17:59:00.000-05:00

well....sort of.

Pointless Observation #42

2005-12-12T07:42:00.000-05:00

Have you ever noticed when you go out of town for a few days, when you return and take a shower, it seems like you've forgotten what your shower was actually like?

You've gotten so used to some strange shower spray, that when you get home, it actually catches you by surprise. It's almost like you have a brand new shower.

What's up with that?

Death By Semantics

2005-12-10T09:25:00.000-05:00

It always bugs me when someone's referred to as dying of "natural causes". Isn't that a bit too vague for you? I mean, we all die by natural causes, don't we?

What isn't dying of a natural cause? If someone pops 25 sleeping pills, downs a 40 ouncer of Jack Daniels, snorts a mountain of cocaine and then dies, well...I'd have to say that is a pretty natural cause of death. In fact, if they didn't die, I'd have to say its a pretty unnatural way to survive. I would only expect you to die after doing that much blow and booze.

Hell, dying is a natural cause, isn't it? It's a natural cause of life. It's a natural cause of being stabbed in the heart with a knife pen. Or jumping off 40-storey building 'cause ya dropped yer hat. Or just attempting to sprint head down across a busy superhighway on a dare. In fact, what exactly would be considered an unnatural way to die - being turned to stone after seeing Medusa? Being devoured in the middle of the night by a bunch of goblins? Hey, heres a topical one - being stomped on by a giant ape while visiting Times Square?

Seems to me, that'd be kinda an unnatural cause of death. I wonder what they'd call that.

Advice For The Holiday Traveller

2005-12-07T21:58:00.000-05:00

Holiday travelling sucks balls.

There. I said it.

If you're flying by plane, the airports are a mess, people are frantic and everyone is in a rush. To make matters worse, you can't wrap your gifts prior to getting on a plane which can be a pain in the ass if you travel at the last minute, right?

Well, no more showing up at your destination with unwrapped gifts folks. With the recent relaxation of the "scissors on flights" rule, why not take a pair of clippers, some Scotch tape and your favorite roll of Yuletide wrapping paper on the plane with ya. So you can't take wrapped presents on the plane - hey, they don't say nothin' about taking wrapped presents "off" the plane, do they?

Besides, what better way to kill some time and bug the shit outta the poor smelly fuck sitting next to ya than by elbowing the lousy git a few times in the temple trying to get that perfect wrap job.

- just another fantastic idea from the Saucy Monk. Its a good thing.

An Embellished Moment in Canadian History

2005-12-05T02:55:00.000-05:00

Billy Bishop of Owen Sound, Ontario became one of the top flying aces during World War I with 72 victories. The Canadian pilot was rated 3rd among all flyers during the war and he even went head-to-head with Germany's infamous "Red Baron", battling him to a standstill in what has been called "the greatest aerial dogfight in history".

Coincidentally, it is not commonly known that Bishop once completely force-fed himself 72 corn dogs at one sitting in what has been called "the greatest dog fight in history".

This has been an Embellished Moment in Canadian history.

Ya, But Your Cold Water Could Be Too Cold Too!

2005-12-02T09:06:00.000-05:00

The city of Toronto now has a campaign against….brace yourself…hot water!

Yes, as it turns out there is a citywide campaign preaching in posters, flyers and billboards that “Your Tap Water Could Be Too Hot”.

Wow. Rivetting. Why not just start another campaign called “Your Hair Could Be Blonde” or “Your Old High School Math Teacher Could Be Dead”. Seems about as meaningful to me.

But if you’ve gotten past that spooky headline - and honestly, who could resist that tempting byline of ball-shrinking terror – you’ll read that most water heaters in Canada (listen up Iqualit) are set such high temperatures that they can severely burn your child.

Well, no shit gumshoe – it is called HOT water.

The fascinating document goes on to supply such informative language as “preventing hot tap water burns is easier than you think”. Now, you may be asking yourself, “What?! But how?! By what magical miracle did the world’s leading scientists finally find a solution to this traumatic social issue?!?!” Um, let’s try…less hot water?

Not quite, well-educated reader. In fact, there are several ways to stop such life-altering dilemmas, such as using tap guards or installing temperature controls on individual taps. Now hold on a second…tap guards? Temperature controls? Aren’t the fucking taps “temperature controls”? Are you telling me to install “taps” for my “taps”? What kind of boned-up-the-ass sales job is this shit?!

Come on folks, honestly - there’s two taps. We should be able to handle it.

Hey, listen if you can’t get your kid to wash up without giving themselves third-degree burns over 80% of their body, then maybe installing tap guards isn’t the first thing on the agenda this weekend.

How about teaching your shithead kid to wash his hands.

The Day The Electrolysis Died

2005-11-30T18:53:00.001-05:00

Can someone please tell me at what age do men surrender themselves to maintaining their nose and ear hair and simply let it take over?

Just curious. Because it does have to be a conscious decision. You can't tell me some of these older dudes are actually looking at themselves in the mirror before heading out to the office and not noticing they have half of Yellowstone Park sticking out of their nostrils. That's ludicrous. Hell, some dudes have so much nasty hair cascading out of their eardrums, even dogs think, "well fuck, at least I'm not him".

Anyhow, I think I'm looking forward to that age when I can just look at myself in the mirror and just not give a fuck. It'll be a very liberating experience I imagine.

Ya, But Atleast The Target's Easy To Hit...

2005-11-28T19:52:00.000-05:00

CHICAGO (Reuters) - Fatter rear ends are causing many drug injections to miss their mark, requiring longer needles to reach buttock muscle, researchers said on Monday.

For fuck sakes people, drop the corn chips, turn off The Apprentice and go for a walk you bunch of fat asses.

Putting the "Die" In Diet

2005-11-25T09:04:00.000-05:00

(aka "Take A Giant Bite of My Diet Ass")

I always laugh a little when I see some 500 lb human-puff ball wearing track-pants in line at the Burger King ordering 3 double-Whoppers with everything, onion rings, extra, extra large French fries (actually, make it two), an apple pie, a chocolate shake, and….oh, and a small Diet Coke.

And it does happen.

Like washing down that gorge of grease and saturated fat will magically disappear because you decided to wash it down with a little Aspartame. Right.

Hell, if I ever cram that much chemical into my body, soon after I expect to find myself giving Jimi Hendrix a piggyback through a Willy Wonka-land while a giant Jim Morrison head forms in the clouds above and begins singing “Riders On The Storm” to us. That, or I just think my heart would just stop. Maybe that’d be better actually.

People are such suckers for marketing that it seems to me you could put the word “diet” in front of anything, and people will assume it’s good for them.

“Hey Jim-Bob-Billy-Jean, whatcha eating there?”

“(shrumph, chew, marphle) Well, it’s new Diet Fat-Fried Sweetened Pork Belly and Cheese with Extra Untested Steroid Chemical – it’s got less fat than the regular Fat-Fried Sugar-Coated Pork Belly and Cheese with Extra Untested Steroid Chemical ‘cause it’s got Nutrasweet in it….um…can you please pass me the salt, Jethro?”

Now, I just have to laugh a little harder at those “Diet Coke” people with this news announcement released a couple of days ago:

Aspartame Causes Cancer in Rats at Levels Currently Approved for Humans

Well, well, well…

Who woulda thought, eh?

Now, who’s up for that all-natural organic unsalted kale ‘n’ carrot juice with extra carrot pulp?

Take A Drive Down Penis Boulevard...

2005-11-23T15:53:00.000-05:00

Did you hear about this idiot who is protesting the name of his street in Los Angeles?

Michael Fisk, who lives on Dicks Street is apparently making headlines by going to city hall to get the road's name changed -- saying that its slang meaning has made life difficult.

My message to Mr. Fisk. Grow the fuck up, buddy. It’s Dicks Street, not Twat Avenue or Rectum Drive. Dicks Street is hardly offensive.

Besides, I think it’d be kind of a cute name for a street, you know, it might even be a handy, cute kind of pick up line.

“Where do you live?”
“Dicks Street - it’s curves to the left.”
(Hee, hee, snort, ha-ha-ha, har, snort, guffaw, hee-haw, howl, roar, simper, smirk, snicker, snigger, tee-hee, titter, whoop, har-de-har, sigh!)

“Lets go make sex now.”

I dunno. I just think there are bigger problems (and bigger Dicks) to worry about than some juvenile issue over a soft (no pun intended) slang term.

But I got one question for Mr. Fisk that I hope city hall has been asking you – “if you have a problem with Dicks Street, why the fuck did you move there, shitballs?”

Death By Escalator

2005-11-22T09:21:00.000-05:00

There is a new ad campaign on the Toronto subways these days promoting how to “ride the escalators safely”. It’s pretty much a step-by-step instruction about how to ride the escalator.

Now, if you don’t know HOW to ride an escalator, first of all, you likely shouldn’t be commuting via a subway train. You know, all those complicated details: Mind the gap. Stand back behind the yellow line. The confusion never ends.

Apparently, the pressure of such a strenous activity as stepping onto a sluggish-moving staircase was causing so much public apprehension that earlier this month, the transit commission even held a public demonstration for “the safe riding rules for escalators”. Ya know, just in case the written rules weren’t clear enough. And for some of these twits, maybe it wasn’t.
One of the steps on the ad campaign is to “step right”. Step right? As opposed to what? Stepping wrong? Don’t step wrong onto an escalator. Now, I know what they mean. Step TO THE right side of the escalator…you know, so the impatient fucks like me can step around your lazy fat ass as you stand stupid and motionless on a moving staircase. But like I said, I know what they mean. Not everyone does apparently.

I admit, I like that they are telling folks to “step right”, but the rest of the steps are rather ridiculous. You know, step on, watch your step getting off, grab the handrail (“and fucking hold on, Charlie – this motherfucker is gonna go, go, go!”). But I think they need more direct instructions like…

The escalator is not an amusement ride, feel free to WALK up the moving stairs, you moronic git.

Never walk up the entire length of an escalator only to stop and stand for the last few moments. Unless you want some Dagwood rushing up behind you to ram you in the ass.

And lastly…

If you have learned anything by reading this set of rules of riding an escalator, maybe you better stick to taking the stairs (and just keep the fuck outta my way).

The "Misguided Criminals" of Language

2005-11-19T10:45:00.000-05:00

Well, the Global Language Monitor has released its list of top politically-correct words and phrases of 2005 this past week, and in doing so, set my gag reflux in irreversible operation.

The Global Language Monitor, or “GLM” for short… or as I like to call them, “a bunch of umbrageous, super-sensitive wanks”, is a non-profit organization that monitors language use, but without the whipped-cream sex-fuelled orgy conferences one might expect from such an exciting sounding group. Actually, I shouldn’t ride them as much, as I think they are just monitoring the changing trends of political talk, but hey, I’m never one to presumptively flog a scapegoat.

Among some of the top PC phrases of 2005 is the term "misguided criminals," a term the BBC coined so as not to use the word "terrorist" in describing those who carried out train bombings in Britain, you know, as if changing the term would magically bring back those 52 human cookies baked under London town.

Misguided Criminals? Makes it sound like the terrorists weren’t too sure what they were doing. Hmm, let’s see…52 dead, a subway that transports millions of people a day shut down, striking even more fear across the western world….don’t sound too misguided to me, unless of course, these twits were actually down in the bowels of the Tube intending to knock over a candy machine at Russell Square for a pack of pickled-onion crisps. Then, I guess I’d have to admit – them were some seriously misguided criminals.

Apparently, some people wanted the word "brainstorming" replaced by "thought shower" so as not to offend people with brain disorders, as if someone with a brain disorder would be offended by that. Hey, listen, if you got yourself a serious brain disorder and you are pissing your pants and making "clucking" noises whenever you think about cheese, well, then maybe changing the word “brainstorming” is the least of your concerns.

“Deferred success" was conjured up to replace "failure" so as not to embarrass those who….um….well….fail.

Actually, I don’t like to tell people they “failed” either. Too embarrassing. Too victimizing. Personally, I prefer to use more direct language…like say, “you really fucked it bad, didn’t you, ya useless bag of iguana shit”. Seems like it might be more inspiring for better results in the future than the term “deferred success” to me.

Lastly, there was a call for words and phrases that either de-Christianize the Christian holidays or neuter their genders. Now, while I’m all for de-Christianizing anything, I really can’t say I’m all that jazzed this Christmas to be opening my door to hear the carolers singing "The Drummer Person" or "Frosty the Snow-Sculpture-Shaped-in-the-Likeness-of-a-Human".

I mean, what’s next? If we start to accept that load of reindeer hooey, we’re going to have to eventually neuter all songs.

I don’t know about you, but I really don’t think I want to live in a world where Billy Joel is singing “She’s Always An Individual To Me”, or Ray Charles’ would’ve been crooning “I Got A Person”, and ofcourse, that Percy Sledge R&B classic would from now on have to be called “When A Human Loves A Human”.

And what about poor Shania Twain?

From now on, the poor girl would have to sing her hit “Person, I Feel Like a Person”. Believe me, I don’t want Shania Twain to feel like a person. I want her to feel like a woman.

Man, I want to feel her like a woman.

But then, that’s just me.

Out Tha Do'!

2005-11-11T06:23:00.000-05:00

Saucy will be in jolly ol' England until Thursday, November 17th. Tune in then to hear about the "Saucy Monk Rip Snortin' World Tour".

I'm sure he'll have plenty to say about "crisps" and "tubes" and all that shit.

A Selection of Thoughts I Never Said

2005-11-08T14:45:00.000-05:00

Ever catch yourself really, really wanting to say something inappropriate to a stranger? You know, like someone who is in your way when you're in a rush or maybe just someone simply so stunned, you'd like to slap them and hope they wake up.

Well, try this interesting experiment and see how much you censor yourself (if you live in a city like Toronto, I'll bet it's a lot). Over the past couple of hours, I made a mental note of the things that popped into my head, but for better or worse, didn't make it out verbally to strangers around me. Here's the best of the list:

"Get out tha way you fat tub o' shit!"

"Fine, don't say 'hi' back, bee-yotch!"

"Jeezus, with that hair, you look like Cruella de Vil"

(to Tim Horton's sales clerk) "Ya know, if you just took one order at a time, you might not fuck up my order as much"

"Please tell me - how do you possibly get yourself to smell so simply vile and disgusting"

(at a salad bar) "Lady, its only a fucking salad - pick a vegetable and go with it!"

An Abbreviated List of Things That Make Me Happy (by request)

2005-11-07T08:18:00.000-05:00

In response to my previous entry, the deliciously named "An Abbreviated List of Things That Annoy Me Today", one fellow blogger suggested that I make an "abbreviated list of the things that make you happy". I suppose I must have come off as sorta pessimistic, crass and negative. Well...good.

Still, I didn't think it was a bad idea. Especially for an early Monday morning. You know, a good way to start the week off on a positive note. Because as those who know me best, know I'm all about positivity (I think I heard Donnie Wahlberg say that once when he was still with the New Kids on the Block).

So, without further adieu, here's an abbreviated list of things that make me happy today:

Foam rubber. Icing on a cake. Sleep. Clean underwear. Really good-looking naked people. Bob Segar's moustache. Toaster streudel. Homeless dudes with Teret's Syndrome. "Bottles and cans, and bottles and cans and just clap your hands". Bananas that are 'just right'. My sense of smell. Did I mention really good-looking naked people? A shiny, new quarter. Co-workers who insistently call me by the wrong name. People in libraries who read newspapers attached to a big stick. Barbershops. Leaf blowers. The word 'kamikaze'. Fence posts. Coupons. Hot soup. Sneezing. Tongue kissing. Three-legged dogs. Bacon bits. Cracked magazine. Punch-drunk boxers. Grape juice. Neologisms. Fennel seeds. Sly Foxx's "Let's Go All The Way", summer solstice, corporate bankruptcy, hot dog relish, proof, paper crowns from Burger King, irony, weiner roasts, Q-tips, graham cracker crumbs, Mr. Clean's bald head, breaking news, 98%, lava lamps, linoleum and rainbows.

An Abbreviated List of Things That Annoy Me Today

2005-11-06T10:37:00.000-05:00

Speed walkers. Dust bunnies . Hat hair. Turbulence. Hard blinkers. Excessive heat. Excessive humidity. Rancid poultry. Poisonous spiders. Chop suey. Acid rain. Banks. Positive reinforcement. Lyle Waggoner. Nose hair. Flying squirrels. People who say "fudge" or "fart" when they mean "fuck". Decaffeinated coffee. Public radio funding-drives. Public washroom hand air-dryers. Public transportation. Open wounds. Laundry. Flossing. People who rest their sunglasses on the back of their neck. Reality television. Nearly-empty tubs of peanut butter. Cold soups. Broken pencils. Teflon. And Lists.

Graffiti Of The Week

2005-11-03T17:39:00.000-05:00

Today, I was on my way to my favorite macaroni and cheese hut, when I noticed this particularly radical scrawling across a newspaper box:

Call me Mr. Fart Log

Now, while most graffiti is consumed with signatures (or what the kids call "tags") or diagrams of pee-pees and wee-wees, not to mention the occasional "suck my dick", I have to say I appreciate the creative and intriguing sentence of this week's winning graffiti.

After all, not only have I never heard the term "fart log", but it is so simply original, I can't quite process what it's supposed to be. Simple-minded folk like me can merely conjure up images of shit, but what if this crazy fucker is referring to something more poetic? I am willing to bet he or she is.

Next, the fact that the artist here is making a call to action. He/she is asking the reader to "call them", yet the anonymity makes it literally impossible. Simply delicious!

And finally, the fact that this graffiti was marked on a newspaper box in the middle of downtown Toronto. Not on a wall. So, why a newspaper box? Mystifying, really.

My best guess. The newspaper box was speaking to them.

Trick Or....Get Down!

2005-11-02T13:08:00.000-05:00

Now this is my kind of news story:

ROME (Reuters) - Two Italian boys were recovering in hospital on Tuesday after a 70-year-old man shot them with his hunting rifle because he was frightened by their Halloween costumes.

The 14-year-old boys, dressed as demons, had knocked on the man's door during an evening of "trick or treat" near the northern town of Turin and set off a firecracker.

When the door opened, instead of a treat, the man fired four shots at the boys having been scared by the noise and their strange outfits, the news agency ANSA said.

The tradition of asking neighbors for sweets or money on Halloween is relatively new to Italy but is gaining popularity.

Ya, I'll bet. It's certainly now my favorite holiday.

How To Be Desperately Uncool

2005-10-31T18:45:00.000-05:00

Each morning I turn on the TV and watch the daily morning show as I get ready for work. It's not because I like it. It's not because I need to hear the traffic updates or hear about the weather. No, it's because I just want to know what popular slang terms have become completely out of style.

For example, now that my local morning news anchor, a soulless black lady with hair straighter than uncooked linguine and a common sense for nothing outside of various shades of nail polish has taken to excessive use of the term "bling".

Now, first of all, why any news anchor should be using a term like "bling" is beyond comprehension in the first place. Hey, ya never woulda heard Walter Cronkite utter the words "Ay yo trip, perps packin' glocks hit a lick and jacked 10 million worth of diamonds. Yo, that's some bling, fo' shizzle!"

If you wanna be a serious news anchor...act like one. If you wanna be a street-wise, slang-dropping rapper, take a gunshot to the chest.

Besides, due to my extensive research, "bling" lost its cool a little after 8 p.m. Oct. 16, 2003, when morning TV personality Katie Couric used the term incorrectly in describing a diamond ring by saying, "talk about bling-bling-bling, man!"

Yes, morning television. Educating us on a daily basis on how to be desperately uncool.

I Like My Chances...

2005-10-28T08:55:00.000-04:00

People can be really annoying sometimes. Ever have one of those days where you just feel like being left alone. You just kind of wish people would just not talk to you and leave you to yourself. Well, I’m having one of those days. Here’s a quick list of people I really don’t need to bump into today:

A dude with a tooth growing out the side of his cheek.

Richard Simmons on ecstasy.

Commander Phlegmmy and the Trio of Sweaty Guys.

A fat Chinese dude with curly blonde hair speaking Arabic.

Anybody named “Doug”.

People dressed in Halloween costumes of inanimate objects like ‘boxes of detergent’. Not funny.

Any man with a camel toe.

Co-workers I barely know but say “how’s it going” each and everytime I pass them in the office.

A mass of people carrying burning effigies and broken bottles chanting "Death to Saucy Monk".

The Blue Man Group.

My Pants Are Too Tight

2005-10-26T08:20:00.000-04:00

Damn. My pants are too tight. My shirt is wrinkled. My shirt is stained. My socks have holes in the toes. My socks aren't white. My socks aren't brand name. Do they need to be? My shoes are getting worn. My shoes are starting to smell. My nose is ugly. My eyebrows need trimming. My hairstyle is outdated. My hair on my head is thinning. My hair on the rest of me is thickening. My teeth are yellow. My gums are bleeding. My breath stinks. I have a canker sore. What is that thing on the back of my neck? My eyes are bloodshot. My eyes are crossed. My fingernails are long. I need a Q-tip. I can't quite hear that well. I have occassional memory loss. I walk funny. I slouch. I have bad posture. I need to eat better. I can't sleep. I need more exercise. I need to manage my time better. I don't talk to my parents enough. I have a fear of commitment. I have a fear of taking risks. I have self-doubts. I am often insecure. I am self-conscious. I feel like I'm getting fat. I feel like I'm getting old. I worry too much.

Hmm... maybe this was the wrong thing to put down for my Lavalife profile.

Retarded Expression of the Week

2005-10-22T18:43:00.000-04:00

Bag of shit

Now, this particular simile is typically used in first-person to describe just how hungover you generally feel...as in, "boy, after drinking 12 Jagermeister shots, a bottle of Jim Beam and shooting heroin into my cock last night, I feel like a bag of shit".

It's interesting to me, because the use of bag of shit is very particular. I mean, you never hear someone say "pail of shit" or a "gunnysack of shit". It's always "bag" of shit. The reason why it's specific nature interests me is because in fact, besides outside of the iconic and always humorous "flaming bag of shit", I've never actually heard of a "bag of shit".

SO, what is this comparison based on exactly? I mean, it doesn't actually seem to reflect accurately what it's supposed to be representing, does it? "I feel like a bag of shit." So, how do you feel exactly? Warm to the touch? A little lumpy maybe? See. Not accurate.

Still, unlike other retarded terms I've singled out in the past, I am not calling for a boycott of this one. Nope. I actually quite like it.

Bag of shit. So, tonight, over your roast pork dinner, raise a glass of Pinot and toast this term. Say to your formal dinner guests, "To bag of shit", then slam back the wine in one gulp.

If you celebrate enough tonight, you may be living it tomorrow.

Sorry, I Apologize, I Suck

2005-10-20T19:24:00.000-04:00

Ok, well, I have been a bad blogger, so busy, I have had no time to update with friendly musings, jibes, sarcastic witticisms and all-around Saucy horseshit.

I hope to get back on the merry-go-round of misery in a day or two, but the drinking binge has gotten out of hand, and ya know, balancing work and boozin' just ain't what it used to be.

In lieu of something mediocre for the sake of blogging, I give to you, my readers a "classic" Saucy Monk entry from the early days. Most of my faithful are no longer faithful so consider it like a "new release" if you've never read it before. Otherwise....well....I guess it's like renting Porky's II: The Next Day. Never quite as good the second time around, but still, not bad.

* * *
Who Smells On This Subway Train? (A Love Poem)

Holy fuck.

Who smells on this subway train?
(it's not me, is it?)

A medley of mothballs, B.O. and urine
An odious concoction.
Jesus.
Look at these people.
Does anyone shower anymore?
This guy with the dandruff

Falling
like
dead
confetti

That girl with the hairy boil growing out of her neck

(what the fuck is that thing - it looks like a fist)

Who's hand is that feeling my ass?
Goddammit, where's my wallet?
Can't this asshole give me some room to breathe?
Which would only yield me back to...

Who fucking smells on this subway train?

I often get on the subway and think to myself:
What dormant pool of Darwinian human waste did these pre-evolutionary slugs crawl their way out of?

Then I get to my stop and I'm okay again.

Another Damn List...

2005-10-18T08:41:00.000-04:00

Here is another list I just came up with, this one a list of children's books that will likely never be published. More useless information, courtesy of yours truly, the Saucy Monk. Love You.

If You Suck Your Thumb, People Will Hate You

Walter the Dog With Uncontrollable Diarrhea

The Grinch Who Looted New Orleans

Fun With H5N1

Playing With Satan: A Paint-By-Numbers Book

Mommy, What's A Brazillian Wax?

Why Bananas Will Kill You

Cunnilingus The Turtle

The Playtime Book of Racial Stereotypes

The Complete Transcipts from Clarence Thomas/Anita Hill Hearings of 1991: A Bedtime Story

Quick Reader Survey

2005-10-13T09:22:00.000-04:00

Please answer all of these questions as honestly as possible. It is important that I get an accurate sense of my readership:

1. Do you have less than 10 digits on your hands? Feet?

2. Are any of the digits you have malformed or disfigured in any way?

3. How many eyelashes do you have?

4. Shazbot, Na-noo, Na-noo?

5. Chocolate or cheese?

6. Stewed monkey brains or boiled sheep’s testicles?

7. Good from far or far from good?

8. Have you had any erotic dreams about Condoleeza Rice lately?

9. Have you had any erotic dreams about Dick Cheney lately? (please, no description – yes or no will do)

10. True or False, “chow mein” is how an Italian Chicano says ‘goodbye’ to his friends?

11. What is that weird black thing on the bottom of a banana? I’m not certain, but I think it’s the banana’s asshole.

12. What is your favorite kind of triangle?

Ya, But Where's All The Goblins At?

2005-10-11T17:59:00.000-04:00

In today's news....

LONDON (Reuters) - Australian scientists said on Tuesday they have discovered more remains of hobbit-sized humans which belong to a previously unknown species that lived at the end of the last Ice Age.

Does this not freak anyone else out? And here I thought Elijah Wood was a really good actor. Turns out he's really a fucking hobbit. Holy shit.

And get this....Gandalf is gay. Holy shit.

I'm going home to cry. I'm a mere mortal.

Good News For The Incapable

2005-10-08T12:19:00.000-04:00

They’ve finally done it. Forget cancer research. Forget trying to find a cure for AIDS. Oh, and the Avian Flu – fuck that. Researchers have finally developed a beer coaster that alerts a bartender that your glass is empty.

I can now sleep at night.

Apparently, this vital new technology absorbs condensation like ordinary beer coasters, but amazingly, also detects the weight of the drink above it, and sends an electronic signal to the bar for a refill when the beverage gets low.

Now, I hate to point out the obvious, but if you’re in a situation where your drink is so low and you are incapable of, you know, asking for another drink….maybe it’s time to just call it a night, okay Barfly.

Just a hunch.

Talk Radio For The Stunningly Slackjawed

2005-10-07T12:28:00.000-04:00

So I'm driving around the other day and this talk radio idiot comes on the radio saying, "There's another smog alert today making it the 45th day of the year with a smog alert for Toronto. Coming up, experts still don't know what is causing that mysterious respiratory disease that has caused several deaths in a seniors home."

Ok, so maybe there's no direct link. Still, buddy, you know you sound like a dumbfuck, right?.

Another Celebrity Baby Ruined By Bad Taste

2005-10-04T14:02:00.000-04:00

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Oscar-winning actor Nicolas Cage's wife of 14 months gave birth on Monday to the couple's first child together, a son they named Kal-el -- a moniker recognized by comic book fans as the birth name of Superman.

Isn’t it time we take the luxury of naming their own offspring away from these celebrities? I mean, they got money, fame, all that…isn’t that enuff? When they begin annointing their children after inanimate objects and ridiculously named fictional comic book characters, it’s time to step in.

First off, think about this poor kid who now has to learn to be abused and teased because he’s got a ridiculous name. Kal-El.

But Nick, Why stick to Superman’s birth name – why not just call the kid Superboy? Then when he hit’s 18, he can legally change it to Superman. Seems to make sense to me.

Besides Superman’s too obvious. Should have went for something a little more clever. Take one of Superman’s enemies. Lex Luthor has a nice ring to it. What about Brainiac? I always liked that one, but it sorta presumes too much from the kid, don’t it?

Ah! I got it! Mr. Mxyzptlk!

Personally, Superman’s world is kinda bland. Kal-El, Jor-El, all those boring shitty names ending in "el". Screw that. Nicko shoulda looked around the comic book universe a little more. How about Spiderman?

If he really wanted to be clever he should have named his kid the Green Goblin.

Now that’s an original baby name.

I Woke Up And Thought...

2005-10-01T14:07:00.000-04:00

Hey, remember in the old Flintstones cartoons, when Fred would get hit in the face with something and get a black eye, he'd hold a steak over it.

Why? What's the deal? This perplexing mystery is really going to inconveniently consume a large part of my day.

NewsBrief: Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

2005-09-30T08:05:00.000-04:00

I just read this truly inane piece of disappointing news on the web:

The nation's 90,000 flight attendants are urging that the film Flightplan be shunned at theaters. The Association of Flight Attendants (AFA) and two sister unions which represent most of the attendants, have expressed anger over the depiction of a flight attendant and a U.S. air marshal in the movie as terrorists and other flight attendants as "rude, unhelpful and uncaring."

Can someone just please explain to atleast 1 of the 90,000 that there's no golden brick road or Freddy Krueger either. It's a fucking movie, alright! Lighten up Wings, I think you're Delta-issued neckerchief is a little too tight. Now, how about shutting the hell up and just getting me some more Bretzels? Y'know, if it doesn't inconvenience you from your regular duty of avoiding and/or looking down your nose at the passengers on the plane who pay for your salary anyway. I wouldn't want you to feel "unhelpful".

Also in the news:

Some 350 experts met up this week at the annual World Toilet Summit in Belfast to discuss such pressing subjects as anti-social behavior in rest-rooms, portable toilets, and facilities for the blind.

That’s great.

Can we do anything about the smell?

No?

Meeting adjourned.

What Your SAT Didn't Tell You

2005-09-28T09:13:00.000-04:00

I walked by a barbershop today and the ol' guy in there was turning off his burglar alarm, which made me think - who in the fuck would break into a barbershop? What are they gonna steal - a pair of scissors? Some boring magazines? That blue junk that all the dirty combs soak in?

Then I thought, hey, if that's all I had to worry about, damn that’s just another reason why I should quit my job and become a barber. I mean, what's the worse thing that could happen in your day? The bangs aren't straight?

Fuck me, what I am I doing with my life?

What's 100 Years...Really?

2005-09-27T08:41:00.000-04:00

Every newspaper and television news show in Canada seems to be making a big deal out of this story today:

Michaelle Jean will become Canada's new Governor General today in a special ceremony on Parliament Hill replacing outgoing Adrienne Clarkson. Clarkson will also be attending today's service -- marking the first time in more than 100 years that an outgoing Governor General is present at the swearing in of a successor.

Big deal. Why is this on the cover of every newspaper? Because it hasn't been done in 100 years? Is that why? So what.

Skizzabilldoobot fuckwad macgeezer.

I'll betacha that's the first time anyone's ever made up that sentence. EVER. Think I'll ever get the cover of the Globe and Mail.

Not bloody likely.

Sex Laws We Should All Live By...

2005-09-25T11:43:00.000-04:00

I just stumbled upon some interesting sex laws in the US. If these are all real (and I have no doubt they are), Lord save us all...

In Tremonton, Utah, women are banned from having sex with men while riding in ambulances.
Now, where's the fun in being a paramedic? C'mon, if you can't fuck your mangled semi-conscious car crash patients on the way to the hospital, what's the point, really?

In Norfolk, Virginia, no one may have sex in a motorcycle sidecar.
Who is this law for? Hobbits? Have you seen a sidecar? This law is like having a law that says "no one may have sex in a Nyquil cup".

In Buckfield, Maine, legislation calls it illegal for cab drivers "to charge a fare to any passenger who gives him sexual favors" in return for a ride home from an establishment serving alcoholic beverages.
I think I know a few college friends who should be in jail right now...BUT hey, this brings up an interesting point? It says "gives him sexual favors". Well, what if you got a female cabbie? It doesn't happen often, but it could. Would that be OK? Is it even possible to perform fellatio on a woman working a clutch? Don't you run the risk of having your head popped like a grape? All interesting points to take under consideration.

In Connorsville, Wisconsin, no one may shoot off a gun when his female partner achieves orgasm.
I'm assuming this is not a euphemism.

In Minnesota, it is illegal for men to have sex with live fish.
But, one would have to guess, dead fish are OK? Those sick fucking Minnesotans.

In Nevada, "it is illegal for any member of the Nevada legislature to conduct official business wearing a penis costume while the legislature is in session."
This one's pretty ridiculous isn't it? To be in any form of political office, you obviously can't pretend to act like a dick. Don't you pretty much have to BE one?

Even More Rock Band Names (I Just Made Up)

2005-09-24T09:34:00.000-04:00

It's time again, when I, draw a blank and force myself to blog with a stream-of-consciousness approach. And that, ofcourse means, more rock band names up for grabs:

- Hangnail
- Traces of Urine
- The Illegitimate Hilton Brothers
- The Dogfucker Choral Assembly
- Chock Full o' Kaka
- The Danny Bonaduce Pubic Mystery Band
- Balding Hairball
- The Jazz Retards
- Sticky Residue
- Billy's Crystal Balls